Bandages
by velvetbuurns
Summary: When Sean Cameron returns home from his tour of duty, the last person he expects to see waiting for him is Ellie Nash. He's in the dark about Emma's marriage and Ellie has taken if upon herself to let him know.
1. Chapter 1

Ellie is the last person Sean expects to see as he exits the terminal gate. In all the times he's imagined coming home, he's seen Emma. Then came her letters and as Kelly entered the picture, Emma gradually faded from his homecoming scene. Still, he always figured Jay might be there, or at least Spike and Snake. He's been wrong on every single account and it's a smack in the face.

"Wow, I don't think I've ever seen your hair this short." Ellie greets him, shuffling awkwardly.

She feels stupid and out of place. What is she supposed to say? _Hi, how was Afghanistan? Oh, really, my dad just came back, too. Yeah, he's gone insane. _She's a fish out of water and the rubber bands on her wrists are soon meeting her skin.

"Yeah, it's growing back though. You should have seen it when they first buzzed it." Sean rubs his head as if to prove a point. He can't imagine what would bring her here. After the party, after everything they've gone through, everything he's done, it has to be something big.

Ellie doesn't know if she's supposed to hug him, or stand idly by. She chooses a forced smile and finger tips ghosting over his arm. She isn't aware of the proper greeting to give an ex boyfriend in general, but she is especially clueless when bearing bad news. Why hadn't anyone else come? If she'd seen Emma, or Jay, or anyone she would have just left.

When Ellie heard Sean was coming home, she'd had a gut feeling that no one would be there. Unfortunately, she'd been right. Clearly, no one wanted to tell him, not his ex or even his best friend. Ellie can't believe the other girl hadn't shown up. After all, she is the news. Emma and her unending selfishness.

God, how did Ellie sucker herself into this?

"So, what are you doing here?" Sean inquires, trying not to sound impatient.

He hasn't seen her since that ill fated party, and he hadn't really expected to. His ears have picked up the sound before his eyes even register the movement, the furious snapping of elastics against flesh. He can already see the welts starting to form. It isn't good news, Sean knows that for a fact. Just by the way the corner of her mouth twitches, he's almost afraid to ask.

"I'm starving. Let's get some food, and we can catch up." Ellie's stomach is lined with battery acid but somehow a restaurant seems better than delivering the message right there.

"Uh, whatever, I guess. I don't have a car here, Jay's storing it-" Sean starts, not knowing if he can handle an entire meal of this. Maybe, he can just get her to spit it out.

"It's fine, I have a car. I'll bring us. I can give you a ride after too. You can save your cab fare." Too much comes out, rushed and too high. She looks away to avoid Sean's grimace.

"Okay." He doesn't know what he's agreeing to, but soon he's in her car, his bags in the trunk.

Sean hates the way she drives. Who speeds up at a yellow light, only to break instead of going through? He swears that he's seen his life flash before his eyes more in one ten minute car ride than in his entire tour of duty.

The radio is too loud, like she's been trying to drown out the noise inside her head. Yet, the silence between them feels deafening; it's the pressure in a gun and if it doesn't go off, they'll both explode like human fireworks. Sean decides against being crushed by suspense and turns the dial to lower the noise. He watches her body stiffen and figures he might as well pull the trigger. What does he have to lose?

"You know, you can just tell me now, El. We don't have to play this stupid game." Sean states as they pull up to Ellie's favorite spot; a twenty-four hour diner.

"I want something to eat." She murmurs, sliding out of the car. The old nickname breathes new life into her memories. Ellie needs to shake them away before she loses her nerve and tells him right there; she's seen his temper and doesn't want to be paying for a new car window.

Sean stands outside for a few minutes, trying to gather his thoughts. It's a completely different world back in Canada and the shock of his one member greeting party makes the feeling even more surreal. Eventually, he forces himself to calm down. He doesn't want to get riled up over nothing, but he's started to wonder if someone's dead.

By the time Sean enters the building, Ellie is already seated, perusing a menu.

"Let me guess. You're going to order breakfast." He says as he slides into his seat across from her.

"Am I that predictable?" She nervously laughs.

"Yeah, kinda." Sean shrugs.

The tension is awkward, and why wouldn't it be? He'd left her for Emma, who hasn't even bothered to come meet him. He plans on heading to the Simpson household after this awkward exchange ends. He figures Emma will be around; she'd written that she'd left university, and if she isn't, he'll call her.

"What can I get for you?" The waiter who's name tag boasts 'Mike,' inquires.

"I'll have a veggie omelet, please. Pan fries and wheat toast, with orange juice." Ellie closes her menu, glancing at Sean.

"A cheeseburger and fries." He's been craving a good burger and his stomach had been growling at him the entire plane ride. The tiny pretzel package from the plane had not sufficed.

"And anything to drink?"

"Chocolate milk." The waiter gives him a look, but if Sean Cameron has one thing, it's a stare that can reduce an iceberg into a lake.

"Really?" After the waiter leaves Ellie looks at him, her eyebrows raised in amusement.

"I like chocolate milk. In case you don't remember." Sean simply smirks.

"Well, clearly, the military hasn't changed you much." Like she'd forgotten.

"So, how's your folks? Is your dad back yet?" Sean asks, clearly changing the subject. He figures they need an icebreaker if he's ever going to get out of here.

"Um, yeah. Not too good, I guess. Dad's in the hospital and Mom's not taking it too well." Her hand goes back to her wrist, the bands in motion once more. She doesn't want to talk about her family, they aren't here for that.

"El, I'm sorry. What happened, is he okay?"

"Can you not call me that?" She snaps. "He has PTSD. I'd rather not talk about it." He lost the right to nicknames when he left her for a self absorbed skeleton. She's moved on from the betrayal but the memory remains.

"Yeah, sure. Sorry." Sean wasn't expecting two letters to set her off, but what does he know these days? Clearly, he's a man in the dark.

"Look, Sean. Obviously, I'm not here to catch up. I don't know why I'm here, actually. I guess I'm just the only one that has the guts to tell you." Ellie pauses, her fingers drumming on the table.

"Emma's married." She's surprised she's been able to blurt it out but she doesn't know what reaction to expect from him. The one she gets, well, it wasn't on her list.

"Yeah, alright, who'd she marry? Kelly?" Sean laughs like he's heard the best joke. It has to be a joke. Emma's too young to get married, she has too many goals.

Plus, who would she marry?

"No, Sean, not Kelly." Ellie tells him slowly, trying to keep her tone even. The laughter, it's thrown her off.

"Who then?" He demands; she looks so serious.

"Spinner." It sounds like a bad pun, even coming from her own lips, but it's reality.

Sean snorts and bursts out laughing once more. Ellie had him going for a minute but she's blown it with Spinner. At least she hadn't dragged out her strange little joke. What a ridiculous thought. He tries to imagine it, but fails. Sean takes a sip from his water glass before he starts speaking again.

"Really, you're hilarious." He tells her, continuing to chuckle. However, when Ellie doesn't crack a smile after several seconds, it dies down.

"You're fucking kidding me." Sean's eyes widen in disbelief.

"Afraid not." She shakes her head.

"No, she would have told me. **Someone **would have told me." He would've gotten a call, a letter, a god damned personalized visit from the bride and groom. Emma wasn't cruel enough to leave him in the dark, wouldn't let him stumble around blindly once he came home.

"She didn't, but I am. I'm sorry you had to find out this way." Ellie states. This is the truth and there's no way around it. She understands his hurt, but he needs to realize she is in no way kidding.

"This is bullshit! You're wrong, Emma would have told me." He yells, losing control.

The silverware is left clattering as Sean slams his fists on the table. He rises up from his seat, leaving the diner at such a quick pace that he's at the exit by the time Ellie has gotten into the aisle. Every head has turned to their table and she can feel eyes on her through the glass windows as she jogs outside after him.

"Sean, listen! Wait, just calm down. How are you going to get home?" She didn't want it to happen like this. Ellie had planned to break the news slowly, carefully, but instead has torn it off like a band aid. God, he had to bring up her family, what a ridiculous catalyst. If he didn't ask any questions, she's sure she could have kept her composure. Maybe then, things would've gone the way she'd imagined.

"I'll figure it out." He's at her car taking his bags out of the popped trunk. Sean is furious, confused and completely thrown for a loop. He smashes his bags onto the pavement, blinded with a driving need to get away. Emma couldn't be married. Yeah, the letters had stopped, but what did that prove? That she's been busy. Ellie isn't even a part of their group, clearly she's gotten the wrong information. Sean would clear it up and he and Emma would laugh about it later.

"I can bring you. Really, it's no problem. Just let me go pay-" Ellie begins. He can't just walk to wherever he's going. She doesn't know where he's staying, he could be clear across the city for all she knows. Sean is a part of her past and maybe he doesn't deserve her kindness, but she can't help but feel bad for him. Ellie opens her mouth to continue, but is cut off.

"I said, I'll figure it out." Sean pauses, digging into his pockets. "This should cover it." He shoves a wadded up bill into her hand. "My treat." He sneers, beginning to walk away from the diner.

"Sean!" When he doesn't bother to even turn around Ellie sighs and begins to smooth out the bill. She isn't going to chase after him, he's abandoned her once again. Somehow, it feels like it's Wasaga Beach all over again.

_What a great way to start off my week._

Ellie turns and walks back into the building, sliding back into her seat. She isn't going to let the food go to waste, even if she feels like she's been punched in the stomach. Ellie gazes over the table at the glass of chocolate milk. Reaching over, she brings the beverage towards her and takes a long, slow sip. She stares out the window, sucking on the straw and watching Sean's back as he slowly disappears from view.

_God, I'm too old for this shit._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for you reviews, alerts, and kind words. I truly appreciate it and I'm glad to know that I'm not the only Sean/Ellie fan out there. I've been trying to find a beta reader to no avail, so bare with me. If you know one, please send them my way! -Kay**

The next time Ellie saw Sean, it was snowing. The weather outside was fitting for the miserable man in front of her. The wind beat against her building as the gutters clanged in distress; snow was picked up as it fell, then pitched forward like an icy fist. Storms always reminded her of a child's tantrum, but she could hardly regard the mess outdoors when one had just knocked on her door. The cold hallway gnawed at her thin pajamas and wet hair.

"Sean?"

"Can I come in?" He looked out of place with his golden tan and short sleeved shirt.

"Uh, yeah, come in." Ellie mumbled, thrown off balance by the unexpected visit. "Where's your coat?" She added, an afterthought. She closed the door behind him, once again sealing in the heat.

She wondered how he had gotten her address. Ellie grabbed a sweatshirt lying on the floor, feeling exposed in her flimsy camisole and fuzzy black bottoms. She couldn't believe she felt so naked; she'd slept with him, hell, she'd lived with him. Somehow, things were just different.

"I'm just going to get you a towel. There's coffee, help yourself." With that, she disappeared from the living room they'd walked into. The apartment was open concept and he found the kitchen with ease. Unfortunately, finding the location of her cups proved much greater difficultly.

"Ha, right here," As if reading Sean's mind Ellie was there on her tip toes, retrieving a mug from a top shelf for him. She handed it to him along with the towel. "Milk's in the fridge, sugar's on the counter. You know, you have snowflakes in your hair. Well, they were snowflakes." By then, they had been reduced to water.

It wasn't long before she was curled up on her loveseat, a hand propping up her small chin. Sean was seated awkwardly in her beat up recliner. The room hung heavy with pregnant silence. After several long intervals of quiet, Ellie decided to speak up. She'd start with something simple.

"Um, so, how exactly did you find me?" That seemed to be a legitimate inquiry. Ellie didn't have a home phone and couldn't fathom where someone might find her address on the internet. It was personal information and something she didn't want getting out.

"I have my ways." Sean didn't crack a smile, just sipped at the mug, taking care to avoid the chip in the ceramic. "I went to see Emma yesterday. Well, I tried."

Ellie rolled her eyes, purposely prolonging the gesture so he'd pick up on it. "It'd be nice if you started with, I don't know. I'm sorry for making a huge scene yesterday and freaking out at you. I'm a _complete_ ass, forgive me. Any of these working for you?"

She wasn't just going to let him waltz back in and disturb her life. She wasn't going to drop everything and coo, "poor baby," at him. Sean made his own decisions, his own bed, and as far as she was concerned, he could lie in it once and a while. If he was going to come to her then she was going to hold him accountable for his own actions.

"I fucked up yesterday. Everything got twisted when I was gone and- look, things haven't been how I imagined they would be. I'm sorry about the diner. Forgive me, please, because Jay is so far up Manny's-" Sean explained.

"Okay, okay, just shut up. I don't want to hear anything that has to do with Manny or anything being up, on, in or around her." Ellie cringed, her nose wrinkling in disgust.

"Nash, I didn't know you were such a pervert." Sean accused, putting his hand over his open mouth in mock surprise.

"We both know I didn't mean it like that." She chucked a throw pillow at him, frustratedly. Could they ever have a serious conversation?

"I know, but it's a lot more fun if I pretend you did." Sean laughed, for the first time in what felt like a while.

"Clearly, I will never understand men." She shook her head, but the tiniest trace of a smile was etched onto her face. "So, you tried to see Emma, and?"

Ellie didn't want to hear about Emma, but what choice did she have? She didn't want to spring news on him and then turn him away. Apparently, Jay was still pretty wrapped up in Manny if Sean had sought her out to talk .

"She wouldn't see me. Spike called her when I went over, but she wouldn't even talk to me. She has a new number, which Manny claims not to have, but that's total bullshit." Sean ran his hands down his face, shaking his head.

"I don't know what to do. I want to at least talk to her. If she's so freaking happy what's one visit going to hurt? Ten minutes. I'll even congratulate her." When he finished talking, he looked to Ellie who was draining her coffee as though it were her life's blood.

"I don't know what to tell you. She'll come around. I'm not even going to claim to understand her actions, but I'm guessing she'll come around between now and when one of them comes to their senses." That was the best Ellie could do. She bounced her leg anxiously; Sean's visit had stressed her out.

Ellie stared across the room, and a frame picture of her and Marco caught her eye. She missed him, hell, she missed her friends in general. When they'd all moved out of the apartment, she felt like they'd moved on from each other. Ellie received a few phone calls but they'd become less and less frequent. She felt like she knew more about their lives from his Facebook updates than from anything else. Ashley was long gone and Marco had left her life as well it seemed. She felt increasingly alone in her world and she didn't like it one bit.

A loud vibrating noise jostled her from her thoughts. At first Ellie assumed it was her phone but she saw Sean reach into his pocket and pull his out. She felt stupid for a minute; when was the last time she got a text that wasn't related to her work at the Core? It was Saturday and she presumed everyone was out having more fun than her. _No pity party. Get it together, will you?_

Sean cursed loudly, mouth curling into an unpleasant shape. Jay had texted him; Manny didn't like the idea of him staying on their couch for another night. Jay was begging him to find another place, desperate not to get into another fight. Fights cost him quite a bit in flower, candy and other inane 'I'm sorry' gifts. Sean understood his plight, but it didn't make his life any easier. He was going to have to rent a motel room until he could find an apartment that he didn't need a six month lease for. The last thing he needed was to be paying for a place he no longer lived in if he was called back for duty.

"I'm just going to go ahead and assume that it was wonderful news." Ellie stated, getting up and taking Sean's mug to refill it. She refilled the black liquid and began to add extras to her cup. "Really, I need wonderful news. Feel free to make some up."

"I'm going to buy us dinner tonight?" Sean offered. She wanted good news and it was the only thing he could think of. "Pizza, if you don't mind me sticking around that long."

Ellie smiled a little bit. It was a nice gesture. "Okay, now that I have good news, what did the presumably big bad text say?"

"I need to rent a room, because I'm being booted off the couch." Sean's shoulders heaved up and down in an all too familiar motion. He was going to have to take the bus all the way back, grab his things and find a motel to stay at. It wasn't exactly how he'd planned to spend his Saturday afternoon.

"Well, I know you've only been back a few days, but it's not like you were planning on staying there forever, right?" Ellie was desperately trying to swallow the 'helping' part of her. There was no way she was going to take him in. The last thing she needed to do was to try and save him again. Trying to help him, to help anyone, it always blew back up in her face. She didn't need the extra work in her life.

"No, I wasn't. But I have appointments to check out a few apartments during the week and I was hoping not to be facing motel life." Sean didn't like motels. For all he knew an orgy that lead to a homicide could have taken place in the room he was staying in. Gross.

She placed the beverage in his hands, returning to her seat. Having some company for a few days wouldn't have been so bad. It got lonely with no one around her. Ellie had been considering getting a roommate, but had yet to do anything to procure one. She could always visit her parents, but she didn't like that prospect. It was much too sad to see her dad in his current state and her mom brought back far too many painful memories.

"You could stay here tonight, on the couch. It pulls out." Ellie tried to be as nonchalant about it as possible. She couldn't help it, the words had just tumbled out of her mouth. Maybe loneliness had gotten the best of her. Or perhaps pity had. Ellie wasn't sure and she didn't particularly want to know. She was fully aware that letting Sean stay with her had very little to do with Sean and a lot more to do with her need for social interaction.

She had also entertained the idea of getting another pet, in case getting a roommate didn't work out. However, the prospect terrified her. Bueller had died while in her care. Who said she could handle another pet? What if it died too? Could she even afford it? She worked part time and along with her dad's military pension, it helped her afford her apartment.

"Uh, wouldn't that be a little weird?" Sean took a long look at her, trying to deduce whether she was

serious.

"I was just trying to help." Ellie pointed out, feeling heat resonating in her cheeks. "I thought it would be polite of me to at least offer. Regardless of how stupid the offer was."

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant, well, wouldn't your boyfriend mind?"

"Who said I had a boyfriend?" He needed to find better resources, obviously. Not that it was a far fetched idea, but it had been awhile. Not since Jesse. She'd gone on a few dates but she hadn't found anything that stuck.

"No one told me. I guessed. There's a Fall Out Boy shirt on your bathroom floor. You hate Fall Out Boy." Sean answered, shifting his position. He was beginning to think she was cold blooded because no one kept their house at sauna levels on purpose.

"A shirt. Really? I paid one of the guys at the Core to repaint my bedroom. He spilled coffee on it and I told him I'd wash it and give it back to him." Who knew Sean Cameron possessed any sort of observational skills whatsoever? Truly, Ellie learned something new everyday.

Clearly, Sean's deduction skills were rusty. However, he felt better knowing that if he bunked on the couch, he wouldn't have some crazed paramour attack him while he slept.

"If you're still offering, I'd enjoy sleeping on your couch." Sean announced.

Ellie couldn't help it, but for a second when she looked at him, she saw Saturday detention and a scared high school kid in a beanie, lying on a roof with her. It was enough to make her smile at her 'childhood' memory.

"Call Jay and tell him you're couch hopping of your own free will. Can't have Manny winning, can we?"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry this is so late. I had zero motivation. You can thank my beta Victor for getting me to finish this, and then editing it! Thank you for the reviews and the story alerts, I appreciate it. Without further ado, here is Chapter Three, at long last.**

Sean woke up screaming. Well, Ellie wouldn't have called it waking up, not really. She thought it was the noise that had shook her from her sleep, but as she approached him she figured it was just as likely the thrashing did. The blankets were twisted and balled at the edge of the bed. Ellie nearly tripped over a pillow as she got closer to his half sleeping form.

_Sean feels the sunlight on his face and sand crumbles beneath his boots. He watches as civilians walk by, their eyes trained on the soldiers. They wear frightened expressions, and he can't blame them. Sean would feel the same way in their position. He feels the same way in his own. There's a lot to fear._

_He hears the explosion before he sees the flames. There's screaming, the kind that makes the hair on his arms stand on end. Sean hears, "bomb" and "I.E.D" but the words barely register as he runs forward with the other men. There's the distinct smell of burning flesh wafting through the air and Sean tries not to gag as he reaches the vehicle._

_Sean drops to his knees, reaching through the broken window. He grabs the arms of a soldier pleading for help. The man is on the passenger's side, a nasty gash across his forehead. If Sean can just get him out before it blows, he'll be alright. He musters all the strength in his body and begins to pull the man from the wreckage. Sean closes his eyes and grits his teeth as he tugs him out the rest of the way. He lets go of the man's arms, opening his eyes and breathing heavily. He opens his mouth to say something when he notices the trail of blood leading up to the solider._

_That's when Sean screams. The man's body is missing from the waist down. Blood stains the sand around him. Two men from his infantry rush forward bearing a sheet. They cover the dead man as Sean falls back onto the sand, hands clasped over his mouth in absolute horror._

"Just stay with me." Sean was nowhere close to coherent when he pulled Ellie down onto the bed. His arms encircled her waist, nose pressing into her hair. Ellie didn't know what to do. She couldn't turn him away, couldn't wake him up and slip away. One night, what would be the harm? Ellie couldn't say no. She'd heard the fear in his voice, felt the shaking of his hands.

"Okay."

* * *

Light streaming in from the living room window woke Ellie up. She had the metallic taste of morning in her mouth. She wiped off what was undoubtedly drool from her mouth, as she sat up. It smelled like coffee and pancakes and she groggily looked around for the source.

"You still snore." Sean informed her, thrusting a plate onto her lap.

"Apparently, you're still capable of cooking." Ellie looked at her plate. Breakfast was not a meal she normally indulged in, but she'd make an exception. "Coffee?" She arched an eyebrow hopefully.

"Table." He told her, gesturing with his hand. Right, that was why she could smell it. Why did she have to be such an idiot?

"Thank you." Ellie's voice was muffled by not entirely swallowed pancakes.

"No problem. I know you don't like pancakes, but, they're kinda all I can make." Sean rubbed the back of his neck.

"They're great, Sean, really. This is so much better than the time I made you breakfast in bed."

"Oh, I totally disagree with that."

_Ellie had awoken early one morning and decided to quell her boredom until the sun rose with a culinary task. Namely, making Sean breakfast. It had all gone well. The French toast was nearly perfect, the side of sausage cooked perfectly, two eggs over medium. She'd gotten the tray, had tied an old hoodie on as an apron and brought it up to him._

_That's when things went downhill._

_They'd never been an entirely clean couple. The apartment wasn't a mess, but it definitely had the lived in look. Ellie had nearly reached the bed when her foot caught on a pair of his jeans lying on the carpet. She'd tripped, falling on the bed, the contents of the tray covering the sheets and a very confused, now awake Sean._

"_What the fuck?" He'd so delicately inquired to a red faced Ellie._

"_I'm s-sorry! I tripped." She stammered. "I was trying to surprise you."_

_Sean surveyed the area of breakfast catastrophe. "It looks like a Denny's hurricane." Sean laughed._

"_I know." Ellie chuckled, the redness slowly leaving her face._

_Sean picked up a piece of toast from the pillow, taking a bite. "It's good. But I have a question."_

"_Yeah?" She wondered what he could possibly ask._

"_Can you help me get the orange juice off of my abs?" He smirked, and Ellie couldn't help but smile at his cocky grin as she climbed on top of him._

If Ellie thought she'd been red that day, she would have found comfort in the fact that her face was flaming now. Even the tips of her ears felt as though they were on fire.

"Uh, yeah," She coughed, "that was a big mess."

"A big fun mess." Sean corrected her. "Mind if I shower?"

Ellie simply nodded and she watched as he stripped off his shirt and headed towards her bathroom. He wasn't going to know how to work her shower. She sighed, putting the finished breakfast onto the side table, waiting for the call.

"Nash!"

It had taken her about two minutes to show him how to work the knobs. He'd thanked her and she'd left, cleaning up the huge mess that was now her kitchen. Well, he'd cooked, she could clean. Though, Ellie would grumble the entire way through.

It took Ellie twenty minutes to clean the kitchen. She was putting the last pan away, her hair in a messy knot atop her head when she heard her name once again. She jumped at the sound. It was hard getting used to having someone else in her apartment; she'd been living there alone for several months. She shoved the item in her hand into an already overstuffed cabinet, begging it not to fall out and take everything with it. When the cabinet door closed, she smiled gleefully.

"What is it, Sean?" She yelled from the kitchen, stripping off her yellow rubber gloves and tossing them under the sink for another day. She lathered her hands with soap, making the water as hot as she could stand.

"I need a towel." Sean moaned, and Ellie rolled her eyes. Of course, he didn't know where she kept them, but still. Couldn't he have asked beforehand?

Apparently not, as Ellie found herself rummaging through her tiny linen closet in search for a towel in semi decent shape. She decided on her favorite, a dark purple one, striding across to the bathroom and opening the door. When she stepped in, Ellie found herself very surprised.

One very nude Sean Cameron stood before her on the dark red throw rug spread across the chipped white tile floor. It took Ellie a few moments of staring wide eyed before she could even form a sentence.

"Ah! What are you doing? I thought you'd be in the shower like a normal person, hiding behind the curtain!" Ellie scolded, shoving the towel into his hands.

"I thought you'd knock! Or at least, not barge in, unannounced." Sean countered, slinging it low around his waist.

Ellie's eyes roamed his body, she couldn't help it. Hazel orbs met a length of defined tanned abs, as she went lower; she finally caught herself staring and turned what must have been an entirely new shade of crimson. Sean was looking at her, with those deep aqua eyes she knew so well.

Busted.

"I'm sorry. It's just; you're so- so tan." Ellie managed, though she didn't even believe it herself. She turned her embarrassment into indignation quickly, however. "Would you get out, I wanna shower. Is that vanilla? You used my special shampoo." She shook her head, pushing him out of the bathroom.

"Get yourself together, girl." She told herself quietly. That had been too close of an encounter. Her heart was still racing when her cell phone vibrated from the pocket of her sweatpants. It was a text from none other than her ex boyfriend.

"Dot at 8? Talk about your story. -Jesse" Why couldn't they just deal with it Monday, when she actually had to work. She didn't like the idea of actually have to socialize with him outside of her job. It sounded far too much like a date, and she didn't want to deal with the drama.

"Have a house guest. Rude to leave. Sorry." She replied quickly, starting the water.

Fast as lightening, the reply had come.

"Cover story material. You want it, meet me."

The cover story. The bane of her existence. Jesse periodically liked to dangle the idea of having something she wrote on the cover, only to rip it away at the last second. Ellie always felt like an idiot when she'd see someone else's name on the front page and question him about it. He'd always say. "Last minute edit, sorry kid."

Ellie wanted to be front page news. She needed to be. Who wanted to hire someone whose stories were on page two or five? No one. She needed it. Ellie needed to convince him that her story was it. It was a piece of about the safety in Canadian schools after all, who better to write it than someone who'd attended Degrassi, home of the infamous Rick Murray School shooting. She had to do it.

Ellie grabbed her phone, grimacing as she punched in the letters. An hour at the Dot wouldn't kill her. She was sure Sean could manage to find a way to entertain himself. If not, whatever, he wasn't her responsibility. As long as he didn't throw a party, overdose or set anything on fire, things would work out fine.

"Fine. Just for an hour. Don't make me wait." With that, she hit send, sealing her fate for the night.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: My life has been completely hectic. I don't even know how I managed to get this one out. I hope you like it; I didn't have time to get feedback from my beta, so forgive any mistakes.**

_Frigid._

_It had taken one word to derail her. A tick, burrowing into her skin, draining her blood. Poison coursing through her veins. Ellie had never been much for violence but at that moment she could have leaped across the table and clawed Jesse's eyes out. Words were words and, regardless of how the saying went, sometimes they felt more like knives than syllables. _

"_It's good, kid. I like it. I just, I don't know. Something's off." He shrugged as Ellie watched the stripes of his blue button up blur; Ellie had been coming up with ways to entertain herself. Her 'work date' had lasted longer than she wanted already and she was growing fatigued. _

"_Can we not talk in circles for once? If you like it, run it. If you have questions, let me know. If you don't, then I don't understand why you dragged me out on a Saturday night." As much as she had tried to hide it, it was becoming clear that Ellie was exasperated. She wanted to go home, change, and go to bed. _

"_I'll level with you. It comes off as detached. That's good if you're writing about politics or a trial, but this happened at your school. Your ex-boyfriend had a gun pointed at him. Friends of yours, classmates, got shot-"_

"_I was there, I don't need a play by play." She interrupted, feeling as though the air was slowly draining from her lungs. _

"_Okay, fine. Face it, Nash. You're frigid. Someone died, people's lives were ruined and all you can give me are facts? Where's the emotion? If I wanted the Reader's Digest version, I'd ask for the police report." _

_He'd continued talking after that point, but Ellie hadn't heard a word. Her head spun as though she'd just exited a roller coaster. She slowly got up from the table, holding onto the edge of her chair as though she might fall. Ellie stared at Jesse, incapable of forming anything that would sound like a coherent sentence. She turned on her heel and left, the sounds of Jesse's protest and the slam of the Dot's door barely passing through her ears as she ran blindly towards her car. _

* * *

"Where did you find it?" Ellie questioned, pawing at her eyes. She'd applied two layers of concealer, still uncomfortable with the fact that she had been reduced to tears.

"Under your bed. You kick all your shit under there." Sean replied nonchalantly as his fingers grazed over each button perfectly timed.

"You went in my room? Jeeze, Sean. Way to respect my privacy." It was just like him to ignore any sense of moral decency and jut barge into her room.

She'd told him to entertain himself while she was out with Jesse and clearly, he'd taken the message to heart as Warriors of Rock was splayed across her television screen. She tapped her chipped red nails against her skirt, trying to remember how to feel comfortable in her own skin. Ellie seated herself at the end of the couch, nodding slightly at the notes as they flew by, her mind elsewhere.

"So, are you gonna tell me what happened?"

Ellie shook her head, and that was enough. Sean just shrugged again and held the guitar out to her like the modern day olive branch.

"I'm only on medium." She told him, knowing fully well she was not ready to play on hard. The strap brushed her hair as Sean slid it over her head and Ellie found herself holding the ax, fingers poised precariously over each button.

She started off with a song she knew pretty well. She figured if she at least knew the beat then maybe it would make playing easier. Plus, when her fingers were ready to give out, she could remind herself the song was nearly over. Unfortunately, her tactic failed and she had barely gotten to the chorus when she lost.

"See? I told you." She sighed, frustrated; she should have gone straight to bed.

"You just have to get used to moving your pinky down. Let me show you." Sean assured. She was beginning to take off the guitar when he slid behind her, his hands brushing against hers. The touch felt electrified and that bothered her more than she would have liked.

"I'll hit the orange ones until you feel comfortable. Just try it every once in a while." He scrolled down until her came across a song he liked, clicking the title. She grimaced as it started, waiting for the beat to begin.

_It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten _

Green, green, green, red.

_What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them _

It started off without a hitch. Blue, blue, orange, orange. Sean was holding onto his end of the bargain. By the time the chorus came around she'd even attempted to hit a few orange notes.

_So tell me now, if this ain't love then how do we get out? Because I don't know_

Red, red, blue.

_That's when she said I don't hate you, boy, I just want to save you while there's still something left to save _

Blue, blue, orange, orange, long deep breath.

_That's when I told her I love you girl, but I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have _

It was all too much.

She could feel the muscles of his chest pressed against her back, the cords of his arms taught against her own. His solid heart beat drummed against her spine as sweet, warm breath tickled her ear.

"I can't, I can't do this, Sean." She flung the guitar off with such abandon that she nearly knocked him in the head with it.

"What are you talking about? You were doing fine!" She could hear the crowd booing in the background. She never could finish a video game.

"It's just not something I can take on tonight." Jesse's words had gotten to her, gliding atop the rest of her worries on her emotional pile of leaves.

Sean cocked an eyebrow, knowing full well that the Nash flood gates were about to open.

"Do you find me- do you think I'm frigid?"

He snorted. "Frigid, really? You've got your panties in a twist because you think you're frigid?"

"No, ugh, it's not me. My editor, Jesse, he said I was frigid. My writing, he said it was detached." Ellie made herself keep eye contact, though the varnish on her fingers begged for her attention.

Sean had read things she wrote in the past. He wasn't exactly sure how to convey emotion concerning the rising gas prices and frost heaves. It wasn't as though she were writing for a daytime soap, it was a newspaper.

"How emotional can you get about the price of milk?" Sean observed.

"It was a piece about the shooting." She didn't know what it was, maybe his stoic expression or impending lunacy but she kept on going. "I don't even know why I went. I swear, this is all he ever does to me. Promises me the cover and rips it away."

Suddenly, she was furious. Ellie whipped out her cell phone, her slender digits punching each letter with unnecessary force. She didn't bother to read the text before she hit send, everything drowned out in a flash of red fury.

"_Unfortunately, the only emotion you're capable of identifying is disappointment, because that's all you've ever known. I'm not playing your sick little games anymore. Don't talk to me outside of work."_

She felt better as soon as it'd left her. It was as though the words lifted weight from her back. She noticed that Sean was looking at her as though she were something that needed to be approached with caution. A wild animal. She wasn't done. Everything needed to come out.

"Why haven't you gone to see Emma yet?"

"I don't have her address-"

"We both know you can get it. I want the real reason. Save the bullshit for Jay."

It took a few minutes before he spoke, but Ellie stood her ground. She wanted answers. She was playing hostess and she figured that was enough for at least some of her questions to be resolved.

"Seeing her, it seals it. It makes things a reality. Maybe, I don't want to deal with that right now." Sean's voice was flat as he dug his hands into his pockets.

"Maybe, you're afraid."

The statement lingered in the air, a child's birthday balloon slowly running out of was no response, but she hadn't expected one.

"Emma was always there to save you. It didn't matter what you did, how badly you messed up or who you fucked over. You never had to be responsible for your own actions. She'd defend you, protect you, explain away. She was your security blanket."

Ellie bit the inside of her cheek, wondering if she'd gone too far, if she could even get her next thoughts out.

"I-we, we never had a chance. How could we? I couldn't save you, Sean. Only you could manage that. You never bothered to try. And if you're still looking for that, for someone to fix you, well, you're going to waste the rest of your life."

Maybe, she'd been too honest, but she felt relieved. A weight had lifted off her chest and she could breathe again. Now she could deal with the consequences.

He stood like a statue, five feet from her and yet it felt like he was light years away. Maybe honest was the best policy, but it couldn't always be handled delicately. Often times, it was more like breaking glass.

Without any warning, he walked over, his eyes boring holes into hers. His face was three inches from hers and she couldn't read his blank expression.

"It had to be said, Sean." The tips of her ears burned red.

Somehow, she was pressed against her wall, his lips against hers. His hand was buried in her hair and she felt as though life was suddenly in slow motion, like someone had accidentally flipped a button on a remote. Her senses took awhile to regain but then her hand was on his cheek, her tongue sliding across his bottom lip.

Clothes began to pile up.

His shirt.

Her shirt.

A belt.

Shoes.

She couldn't keep track as he laid her down. Her nude flesh prickled, cold against the hardwood floor. He kissed down her body, a hand caressing her breasts. She shuddered as his tongue dipped teasingly into her belly button, an audible gasp escaping her mouth. Ellie knew without looking down that he was smirking.

Sean's calloused fingers trailed down her hipbone and across the fresh scabs on her thigh. Careless, she'd forgotten about them in the heat of the moment. His hand lingered there a second too long, his eyes locking with hers, a silent understanding of 'we'll talk about it later.' Excuses started to bubble up in her mind, but continued to trace around the curves of her body.

He kissed her softly on the mouth, erasing every 'I can explain' from the forefront of her mind. Ignorance was truly bliss and, for once in her life, the lower Sean's mouth got, the more blissfully blank her mind became.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I'm so sorry everyone. My life just became hectic and I lost everything I was working on for this story when my old computer tanked. If anyone's still reading this story, I'm amazed. It's been what, five months? Six? Sorry, once again. Enjoy. **

Sleep was dreamless, a rare blissful occasion. It was as though a calm had washed over her. Her muscles had relaxed, her jaw came unclenched and a general sense of security had filled her.

But Ellie knew better than anyone that her instincts were not to be trusted.

"Good morning, lovebirds."

That voice. That voice, she could recognize six feet under as her body decomposed. If they dug her up they'd find skeletal hands coverings her ears.

"This is just a bad dream." Ellie groaned, snatching a pillow from nearby and covering her eyes with it.

"Not from where I stand. Keep rolling around and I will _definitely _be on my way to a good morning."

Ellie bolted upright, clutching the sheet to her chest. Jay Hogart, as she lived and breathed. This was not the sort of image she wanted to wake up to, and she let it be known. "You're repugnant. Who let you- why are you in my house?" Ellie sneered.

"Sean let me in. He's an upstanding citizen now; didn't make me use a window or anything. Speak of the lucky devil." Jay adjusted the ever present ball cap that seemed permanently affixed to his head.

Sean carried coffee into the living room using Ellie's cutting board as a tray. Normally, it was a silly little thing that would've made her smile; however, she didn't like Jay and she certainly didn't like him in her house.

"I'm surprised Manny let you off your leash. Now what do you want?"

"Are you two ever going to get over Craig? That was high school. Time to grow up." Sean inquired, handing her a mug.

"Dude, I don't even know who Craig is, but his dick must be made of gold." Jay decided, taking a loud sip.

"I can't even, I don't even- Christ, what do you want? Why are you here?" She was too naked, it was too early and the couch looked too comfortable for her to be exchanging armed remarks.

"Sean, you're such a loser, dude. Why do have to make me do everything?" He sighed loudly.

"Jay, man, I don't think this is such a good idea." Sean argued.

"You want to see Emma or not?"

Ellie had drifted out of the conversation, trying to come up with a surefire way to get to her bedroom sheet intact. 'Emma' had brought her straight back to the conversation.

"What about Emma?"

* * *

"Look, I need a favor. See, I loaned Sean's car out- I swear dude, I'll get it back. And I need you to drive us to North Bay to see Emma. I'll pay for gas and everything, I swear, and I'll owe you. I'd do it, but Manny has the car.."

"What? Why?" Ellie felt dumbstruck. She knew damn well why, but hadn't expected reality to smack her in the face in the cold light of morning.

"He's got to get Emma back, right ? And Sean's a little mad about the car so-" Jay tipped back the rest of his coffee and a large part of Ellie hoped it burned his throat.

"Jay, just stop talking." Sean interrupted. "Can you give us a minute?"

"Fine." Jay made a motion of a zipper running over his lips before heading outside.

Ellie waited until the front door had closed all the way to pick herself up off the couch. She stormed across the living room, through the hallway leading to her room. Halfway there she fell, a tangled mass of black fabric and limbs.

Sean laughed, extending his hand and Ellie batted it away furiously. "Don't touch me."

"El, I-"

"I will take you to North Bay. After that, I don't want to hear from you."

Childishly, she slammed the door to her room, clicking the lock shut. She leaned back against the door, balling up fist fulls of her homemade 'toga' and sliding onto the floor.

All it had taken was three days.

Three days for Sean to come back and catapult her mundane existence into a ridiculous soap opera. A three ring circus. No. She wouldn't let him. She'd carved out her own existence when he'd exited her life the first time. Ellie couldn't let this hurt her.

She wasn't going to try and compete with Emma. Sean wore blinders with a 'Nelson' brand. Ellie would be stupid not to acknowledge it. She would only get hurt and it wasn't worth the pain. She'd do her last good deed for him. She'd drive him to Emma and then she'd disappear.

Ellie would rid herself of Sean Cameron for good.

She exited her bedroom in her bathrobe to find the two men sitting awkwardly on the couch. "If you're going to be in my car, there are going to be rules. Put your seat belts on, keep your bodies inside the car, don't talk, I'm driving, so I pick the music."

"I'm going to take a shower. Grab your things, load up the car. Get some snacks from the corner store. I want to leave as soon as I'm done."

_I want this to be over as soon as possible. _


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Are we in North Bay yet? No, not quite. Anyway, I had a mild burst of inspiration and I thought I'd get this up before I forgot about it. No thanks to the mouse in the wall next to me.**

They're two hours into their trip when glass comes down like rain. Sean has been transported to Iraq for a brief moment, baby blue's intent, searching for a sniper. Ellie pulls too sharply off the road. Jay picks up a sizable rock from the back seat.

"I knew that truck was trouble, dude." Jay claims, sweeping glass off the backseat.

"You owe me a new windshield." Ellie informs him without so much as blinking. Jay opens his mouth to protest but she cuts him off.

"You said _all _expenses."

"That is not how the conversation went." He tells her, and he's right.

Ellie stares at him, unflinching, face cut from marble and Jay sighs and puts his hands up.

"Fine. But, that was going to be my poker money."

As if she cares.

She doesn't bother to say anything, instead punches a location into her GPS.

By the time they pull up to the garage, the air in the car is suffocating; tension has become a solid object, so dense that not even the gaping hole in the windshield can bring fresh air.

"Here." She tosses Jay her keys. "Take care of it. Call me when it's done." Ellie turns on her heel, slinging her purse across her arm and beginning in the direction of the road.

"Where the hell are you going?" Jay asks before Sean has the chance to.

She points down the road. "McDonalds. I don't want to deal with this shit."

Sean looks at Jay, eyebrows furrowing. Jay simply rolls his eyes, because, what the hell does he care where she goes?

"I don't get you, man. You can go, but I sure as hell am not running after her."

Sean doesn't wait for Jay to walk off before jogging after Ellie.

"El, wait up." He says, though he's right behind her. Sean doesn't want to alarm her, but the sound of his boots against the asphalt hasn't lent much to the art of surprise.

He watches her noticeably stiffen but she continues to walk, back so straight that he figures there must be a cable running from her spine.

"Aren't you cold?"

The wind isn't biting, not yet, but it sure feels like fall. Sean frowns when she still refuses to speak and starts to pull an arm out of his jacket.

"I'm not cold. I don't want your jacket."

"You have goosebumps."

"I don't care. Put it back on or I'm going to run the rest of the way there, _away from you."_

Sean laughs like it's funny. "I'm in the military. I can outrun you."

"I don't care. I'll just keep running until I can't anymore, until you give up and leave me alone." Her voice is flat and it leaves Sean longing for the acid that used to drip from her syllables.

"I'll tackle you."

"I guess I'll just lay there, then."

"What's wrong with you?"

"Why, are you going to swoop in and save the day?" He swears her can hear the roll of her eyes. He slips his arms out of his jacket, draping it over her shoulders. She shrugs it off.

"Put your jacket on and back off, or so help me."

"I'm just trying to help you."

"I. Don't. Need. Your. Help." She hammers each word like she's planting nails in the siding of a house.

He waits. He will break the world record for breath holding. His impatience will kill him and it will be the first death of it's kind, scribbled hastily across his autopsy report.

As she begins Sean sucks in a long low breath and, like a bird in the sights of a hunger, waits for her bullets to clip his wings.

"The difference between you and I, Sean, is that I don't need someone to help me. I don't want your help. I can do it myself. I can do everything myself. I've never needed anyone and I don't need them now. What are you even trying to help me with? I'm helping you. One last act of martyrdom, our very own swan song and I can rest."

"I think you're being a bit dramatic. Not that you didn't always have a flair for it, but come on, Nash. This anger is eating you alive. I care about you. I want to make sure you're okay."

If there are magic words, a turn key to make her come to life, Sean has found it. Her laugh is humorless, so hollow that if he could see it's form it'd look like the letter 'O.'

"I know it must be lonely. I know that everyone's gone. I know what your family situation is like. I know it's been gnawing at you. You don't take a razor to your thigh for kicks, Nash."

She keeps walking and to keep herself from losing it, rather childishly flips him off.

Sean tries a different approach.

"What about in high school? What about when we lived together?"

She stops dead in her tracks and slowly turns to face him. The smile on her face is something he's never seen before. It's as though rage has clear cut a path into her skin; a crop circle of a smile, completely alien.

"Okay, Sean, okay. You've got me. I needed help then. I was young, I was scared. My mom burnt down the freaking house. But, we're out of high school." She pauses, as if plotting her next course of action, a ship deciding on it's new cordinates.

"Sure, my friends are gone. So what? I do just fine by myself. As for my family? My dad's here, but he's as gone as ever, and my mom, well, if I want to find her I'll start looking down bottles. But you know what? I got away. I did. And no one can take that from me. I'm free, Sean. Free. Because I fought for it, I wanted it so bad."

"All I'm saying is I'm worried-"

"You don't get to be worried. Keeping in touch has never been your thing, but you don't get to leave without a thought, without a single goodbye and say you care or you worry. You didn't give a shit then, and let's not pretend it's any different now."

Ellie's going for the kill shot. He can see it as it bubbles under her skin, as the anger takes hold. Bitterness spews from her lips and he doesn't think it's just the wind that has numbed his skin.

"Why did you even join the army? Why? I saw what killing Rick did to you. I watched you withdraw. I watched it eat at you. I saw you run back to your parents. I watched you ride away with syphilis Barbie. That's all I know about you, Sean. You make asinine choices and you run away. I can't imagine the atrocities you saw in war, and I respect that you went. But why did you go?"

She takes a deep breath. He can feel the knife pressed to his throat as she turns to the side, getting ready to start back towards the yellow sign.

"I don't know, I guess who I thought you were and who you are are two completely different concepts. I don't expect you to care, I don't expect you to understand and I sure as hell don't expect you to stay. So do what you do best and just go."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: So, I don't know how much I like this. I like the beginning and middle. The end, well, it was longer but I couldn't have this chapter drag on forever. I'm too exhausted to think anymore, and there's a chance I'll wake up and pull this chapter. I've been working on this for a while, but no one edits these. My apologies for any mistakes. **

It's four hours before Jay returns with the car. Ellie's blood has been replaced with coffee and she's sure she will never again be able to eat another parfait. Sean has been sleeping at the other end of the restaurant, gray hood obscuring his face.

"Two hundred and fifty fucking dollars!" Jay exclaims as he lets thrusts the door open, letting the cold air in.

Ellie doesn't turn her head. She's looking out the window, praying she's right about the snow holding off for the next few days. Several mothers with young children in tow glare at him, but Jay isn't phased.

"I have never hated being in a garage until now. I never thought they'd get to your piece of shit, Nash." He takes a seat across from her, putting his feet up on a free chair. "You'd think they'd give a fellow mechanic a discount."

Ellie finally gives in, facing him and arches a delicate eyebrow. "Would you?"

Amusement lights in his eyes. "Nah." He steals what's left of her cold hash brown and she grimaces because it's half eaten and technically, her saliva is in his mouth.

The one thing Ellie might like about Jay is that he doesn't feel the need to fix problems.

Jay crosses the restaurant in several long strides then pounds his fist down on Sean's table, inches from his head. "Up and at 'em, sunshine. We've got to steal you a bride."

Sean blinks rapidly before sitting up and looking around. He looks lost, disorientation changing his face from it's normal hard canvas to something softer, more innocent.

Ellie looks away, turning her attention instead to her phone. It reads four-seventeen and she figures they won't get more than an hour or two in before it starts to get dark. "I don't like driving in the dark." She announces, wiping her hands on her napkin.

"I'll drive." Jay perks up, giving his best innocent smile.

"Like hell you will. I'll... deal with it."

Sean gets up, stretching his arms over his head. "How much farther?"

"Two hours." Jay says, because he can tell by her stance that Ellie isn't going to answer. Jay isn't as book smart as he'd like to be, but he can tell a hostile situation when he sees one.

"Let's go." Ellie commands, already halfway out the door.

"There's no way a windshield cost you two fifty." Sean remarks after he watches Ellie slide into her car.

Jay smirks.

"See, I knew you weren't asleep."

* * *

"Sean, you owe me money." Jay grumbles as the first few flakes hit the windshield. They haven't been back on the road long, forty five minutes at most. Ellie is already squinting at the road and driving under the speed limit, trying to make it through before dusk turns to dark.

"Can we turn on the news?" Sean inquires from the back, and Ellie turns off the music with a hard flick of her wrist, granite in the set of her jaw. She punches a preset button, turning up the volume.

It takes a while for the weather report to come on. She vaguely listens to something about wild animal and securing trash, lost in her thoughts. She misses the turn off.

"What the hell, turn around!" Jay bellows.

_Reports are calling for six to ten inches of snow, depending on how far north-_

"Fuck." Ellie says, because there is nothing left to say. She doesn't know how far back she's put them, and she starts to feel panic rising as she waits for her GPS to recalculate.

Snow is beginning to fall in a steadier stream now, and Sean can see that Ellie's knuckles are turning white. He is well aware that her tires need to be replaced, and does her car even have four wheel drive?

He is a silent observer. He hears her quiet gasps, like she's just surfaced after nearly drowning and he doesn't need to look to know her eyes are watery and red with her teeth sunk deep into her lip.

"_Why, are you going to swoop in and save the day?" _He can hear her in his head, so crisp and loud that it's like she's just made the remark. Sean wishes she were speaking to him because he has an answer, for this situation at least.

He will, because she doesn't know when to quit.

"I saw a sign for a hotel, next exit." He says. Jay opens his mouth to protest but Sean cuts him off. "It's not safe to drive anymore, tonight. I'll pay."

"Thank you." Ellie is so thankful she forgets that she's not talking to him. Oh well, she resigns. It was childish anyway, and what does it matter? He'll be gone soon enough.

Sean is surprised, knowing the lengths her stubbornness can reach. He grunts in response, his head swimming with far too much. It's not long before they're in the parking lot and he ends up dropping two bills on the room for the night; at least breakfast is included.

"I'll flip you for the bed." Jay remarks producing a coin as the door opens and they step in the room. There are two beds, impeccably made with comforters and pillows that look just soft enough for his tired body. Sean snorts indignantly and shakes his head.

No way in hell, he paid after all.

"Fine. I'm hungry."

Ellie rolls her eyes, digging through her purse before producing her wallet. She plucks a twenty out and hands it to Jay.

"I saw some vending machines downstairs. You'll have to get change."

"I knew you were holding out, Nash." He comments, vanishing like smoke out of the room.

"If he comes back with a hooker, I'll kill him." She remarks, flopping down on the bed farthest from the door. "Though, I don't think he'd get more than a blow job out of that."

Sean shrugs, waiting for her to stop speaking. His throat is a little dry and he hopes Jay has enough sense to bring back beer. He doesn't really know how to start, doesn't know how to segway into it. Sean just starts the best he can, the way he knows how; words rolling off his tongue as soon as his mind forms them.

"So, you wanted to know why I went to war?"

Ellie doesn't know what a bomb sounds like when it hits, but she's sure it has to feel a little like this.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: You're all fucking amazing. It's astounding that with my sparse updates people still follow this story. Every time I get a new subscriber, I'm flabbergasted and very grateful. Thank you all.**

Her first instinct is to flee. Her mind hurriedly counts the steps it would take to clear the second bed and make it to the door. She feels trapped, the room is suddenly compact and stale. Ellie can't hear a single sound outside and she tries to focus on the quiet hum of the heater. She runs through all of the possible outcomes that are attached to any word choice. She doesn't know why she bothers, logic never really plays into emotions, into actions. Besides, Sean is a gamble with every conversation and she never knows whether she's going to win or lose until all of the cards are on the table.

She considers apologizing; she knows she has no right. Or does she? Sean tore her life apart without so much as a thought. She wants vindication for how her life is, how she is.

"I think I deserve to know."

Ellie chews on her lip, wax and shea butter creating an unsavory mix on her tongue. It doesn't matter how painful it is for him to talk about, she tries to rationalize. He broke her in half and left her to mend her wounds, to replace the pieces of her severed spine so she could hold her head up once more. Sympathy won't get her answers, tip toeing around troubled topics won't help her sleep at night. She has so many things she wants to ask from way before Wasaga to mere hours ago, but they catch in her dry throat.

No, she can't talk about that, not right now. Not with what she assumes is Jay's impending approach. But this, this is a start. She may never get a middle or an end, but damn it, she deserves a start.

"Did you always want to be a journalist, even in high school?" Sean inquiries and she wonders if it's sad that she's surprised he remembers that about her. Ellie nods slowly, not sure why it matters.

"Man, I didn't even think I had a future. I never thought about the military, never thought I'd join." He closes his eyes, dark lashes fluttering and falls back onto the bed. She's reminded of lying on the roof as he traced his fingers down her scars and didn't flinch. Ellie recalls his fingers intertwining with hers and the absolutely terrifying and invigorating feeling of human contact.

Most of all she recalls that, for once, he stayed.

He doesn't say anything for several minutes. Sean's begun his very own war, the Cameron Conflict. It takes place inside his head. The terrain is covered in landmines and each thought drifts cautiously through them. Sean wants to give her the answers she seeks, but how can he pull each one from the rubble? So much time has passed he's not sure if he's capable of bringing her any sort of solace. He doesn't know what he bothers, he doesn't owe her anything. Or maybe he does. It gets tangled and twisted like a parachute caught high in tree branches. Sean doesn't know how to cut it down, but he knows he should try. At one time she was his world and he owes her any sort of peace he can extend to her.

"And yet, you did." Ellie says, socks scuffing along the carpeting as she paces the room. She can't explain why it calms her. Half the time she doesn't make the conscious decision to start, just realizes after awhile that she's circled the entire room over and over. Maybe, she just needs the simplicity of her feet moving without any set destination.

"You need to get a wheel." Sean comments, and he doesn't have to look up to know the exact confused look on her face. "Like a hamster wheel. The pacing, it's distracting."

"Hamster is not on the approved word list. It's too closely linked to ferret." She notifies him, a brief pang of sadness hitting her. It's been years, but sometimes she still thinks of Bueller. He'd relied on her, she'd been responsible for his well being and he'd died in her care. She knows she failed him and wonders how many other people she'll fail.

Ellie shuffles across the room, scraping her socks as loudly as she can against the plush fabric. She sits on the bed Sean occupies, facing forward. She can only see him out of the corner of her eye and as she smooths her skirt she thinks that's all she can handle at the moment.

"You've never killed anyone, El. You don't know what it's like." Sean grunts. He's frustrated; frustrated that he can't articulate exactly what he means and how he feels. Sean hates the clumsy entanglement of syllables that he speaks each time he tries to take a thought and turn it into words.

"Explain it to me." She's not bothering with the eggshells anymore, they can crack beneath her and bloody her soles. Ellie wants answers, she demands them. She's waited too long and thought too much about it. It's time he helps to fill in the pieces, to unscramble the waterlogged puzzle of their past.

"It's putting a fucking pin into the side of a balloon and watching the air drain out. I watched his eyes gloss over, his body go still."

He pauses, fingers fiddling with the bedspread.

"I'm washing dishes three days later and I stop because I can't stop staring at my hands. I'm scrubbing a pot and it's hilarious and sick, because his blood is gone but I still feel it. It's like it's sunk into my skin, it's stained me. All I can smell is gun powder and the ringing in my ears is so loud that it screws with my balance. At school, people stare, they whisper. It doesn't matter what the courts or papers say, that the killing was 'justified.' I am still a killer and they know not to lose sight of me."

Ellie makes no movement to comfort him. She has never heard this side of the story, Sean's side. His aftermath. She'd been there for some of it, but she needs to know certain things, the things she wasn't permitted to be there for. Ellie needs enlightenment, so she can shut the door on this chapter of her life. She almost starts speaking but he continues.

"You take a life and they take your life. It's a pretty fair trade." Sean sighs and it's as though an anchor has been laid across his chest. "I got away, thought that might help. Came back and did the high school thing, the car thing. I started running out of money and that's when you really start to run out of options. I got a pamphlet in the mail for the army and I just stared at it."

His chest rises, then slowly falls and Ellie can hear each pained breath but she can't move.

"It was like, what's one more body? One more life, ten more lives, it doesn't matter. None of them would make it anymore difficult then it already is to sleep at night. I tried to make it make sense; that I would be killing the bad guys. At the end of the day, who the hell was I kidding? There was still blood on my hands and it didn't matter who it belonged to. They called me a hero, but it's all- what's that word you use? Semantics... Yeah, it's fucking semantics. I'm a murderer, Nash. Be glad I left, that I spared you from all of this shit."

Sean is blatantly aware that Ellie will not turn and look at him. Her spine is ramrod straight, her fingers tightly curled and legs crossed at the ankle. "You spared me?" Her voice is hushed and he strains to make out each word.

"Yeah, I-" He's cut off, as he should have suspected.

"You left me alone in an apartment I couldn't afford! You abandoned me, Sean. I needed you and you needed me. You wouldn't let me in! I wanted to help you so much."

Ellie's voice catches with anger. She has to get it all out there. This is her only chance. She swallows hard.

"You can spin it anyway you want to, anyway that helps you cope, but let's get something straight. You didn't leave to save me and you're not a fucking martyr because you bailed." She shakes her head and looks back at him. "I must have been some kind of fucking experiment. It's funny, I used to think that for a little while, you loved me."

Ellie rises up from the bed and stares at him. She can hear the rush of blood in her ears and feel her heart beating inside her skull. She delivers her final parting shot.

"God, I hope Emma can save you, because you won't fucking save yourself."

The door flies open with a thud and Jay shuffles in, weighted down with bags. "I got beer!" He proclaims loudly and Ellie rushes to close the door before any complaints can be lodged.

"There's food and shit in there too." He sets down the three bags and take out a bottle from one, popping the cap on the side of an end table. "Cameron, why the hell are you all red?"

Sean is seething, he is a boiling kettle and he may explode. Ellie cuts in before anything can be said because she refuses to let her personal business become public knowledge.

"We were just discussing what time we thought would be safe to leave tomorrow. It got heated but it was decided that bright and early was the best plan." She looks to Sean for confirmation but he won't meet her eyes. He takes two beers from the paper bag and heads out the sliding glass door to the small cement deck.

"You know," Jay says as the door clicks shut. "while your delivery was impressive, the lie itself was weak. Work on the fundamentals before you move onto the accoutrements, Nash."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Thank you to everyone for your patience. Life has become very complex and at the time I wrote this story I had it planned out to take three months. Of course, that didn't happen. Still, I plan to finish this. I don't have a beta, so I've done my best but it still comes across as disjointed to me. This was all written at different times, so I apologize if the flow is off.

Also, I'd like to thank my reviewers. I do read reviews and I enjoy hearing feedback. That being said, I don't expect them so they are always a nice surprise and much appreciated.

-Kay

"_He acts like an infant!" She yells, but Jay doesn't say anything. _

_Ellie paces around stopping only to rearrange things before sitting then standing. She doesn't know what to do with her emotions; every action betrays what she's trying to conceal. She can't sit still, can't go anywhere. She could leave but she doubts that even if the snow has stopped that the roads are clear. _

_She wouldn't if she could. She can't just abandon them, though, Ellie wishes with everything left in her that she'd allow herself to. She wishes she never went to the airport, never opened her door. But, Ellie has learned a thing or two about wishes in her life and the fact remains that they don't do her any good. _

"_He can't handle confrontation. When it gets to be too much, he just storms off." She's still seething and Jay's looking at her as though he wishes he had a sedative._

_She's not sure who for._

"_Sean just shuts down and expects me to bend over backwards to make things right. He's not my- my responsibility!" She stutters, overcome with anger. _

_Jay rolls his eyes. She starts to open her mouth to speak but he wants to finish his beer and go to bed, so he cuts her off. _

"_Then what the hell are you doing here?" He inquires, pulling off his shoes. Jay takes a long pull from the bottle and chuckles. "Nash, how did you think this was going to play out?"_

It doesn't take much to wake him these days. It's like he sleeps on a glass tabletop and he's just waiting for it to crack.

For him to crack.

He swears it can be anything, a slight movement, a shift in temperature and boom. His eyes flutter open, surveying the area. He tries to remind himself where he is, but sometimes blood and sand still cloud his vision and his breathing becomes thin. Sean is out of the war, but the war is not out of him.

He wonders if it will ever be.

It's no surprise he jolts awake at the sound of the door clicking shut. He's more surprised he didn't wake sooner. He can still hear Jay's almost rhythmic snoring from the couch and he doesn't have to turn his head to know that Ellie is no longer in her bed.

Sean makes himself wait ten minutes. His eyes are trained on the clock and he watches as each minute ticks past, counts the seconds under his breath. She could be getting something from the vending machine. She could be asking the concierge for hairspray or shaving cream. She could be leaving. Ellie could be getting in her car and driving away right as he lay there waiting for her to return.

He wouldn't blame her.

Ellie doesn't know there's a pool until she hears the faint hum. It's not on her floor, so she's lead by blind instinct or maybe some invisible tether. She can't sleep; she'd stared at the clock, willing her mind to shut off and just let her rest. She'd rummages through her purse for her little orange bottle of sleeping pills but came up empty. Ellie doesn't even curse. She needs one consistent aspect in her life and it might as well be disappointment.

She finds it odd that the door is unlocked; surely, the pool is closed. However, the door opens as she turns the handle and after bracing for an alarm or irate employee, she heads in. The room is dim, the only light coming from the four corners of the pool. It glows a soft blue and Ellie thinks it looks almost ethereal.

She steps out of her flats and heads towards the water. Ellie's not dressed for swimming, wearing pajamas she'd packed as an afterthought. She thought she'd be home by now, didn't expect the trip to take up more than a day. The realization hits her that she's left town without a single word to anyone. The second realization quells her bubbling panic and is a lot more sobering. It doesn't matter because no one is going to come looking for her. Maybe Jesse, for her deadline, possibly her job, but after that?

Ellie could leave and never come back.

She dips her toes in the water, trying to clear her head. The water is warm, starkly contrasting with the snow falling just outside the window. She never realized how alone she was before, never concluded that a broken family and friends she never saw qualified as being alone. The word itself sounds harsh in her head, as though each letter brings it's own level of awareness. Is that why she picked Sean up at the airport? Was it something more than a good deed she'd decided to do?

Was she lonely?

Her head hurts and she wants to go back to being completely ignorant but how can she now? How pathetic she is. She could have finished university by now had she upped her course load, could have had a real job, a life in a different place. New friends, new lovers. But, she doesn't. She has a lease in her name, an employee name tag and a student ID.

It all balances out to nothing.

Ellie is so consumed that she doesn't hear the creak of the door. Sean's shoes are loud against the tile and she closes her eyes. She can't handle being around him right now. It's too much, she needs to think. Her needs aren't met, of course, because he sits down next to her. He doesn't say anything for a moment, just looks out at the water.

"Kind of late for a swim." The statement hangs in the air as their nostrils fill with the strong scent of chlorine.

She kicks her feet, bring up a spray of water. Ellie nearly laughs because she's hit her emotional limit and she's sure hysterics aren't out of the question. It's funny because she's not swimming. She tells him this and he just shakes his head.

"Just come back to the room, then."

"Why don't you go back to the room? I didn't ask you to follow me."

The muscle in Sean's jaw is working overtime. Why had he even bothered to follow her? The last time they'd spoken had ended in an argument, what would make this one any different? It was just... he couldn't sleep knowing she was away. Sean knew it was stupid but he felt that she wasn't safe if he couldn't keep an eye on her.

Her shorts are riding up and he can see the fading marks on her upper thigh. "We never talked about your leg." He says because even though he shouldn't, he feels he has to.

"And we're not talking about it now." She sighs angrily and pulls her bottoms up, revealing even more skin. She refuses to let him make her feel guilt about her decisions, about her coping mechanisms. "Go back to bed, Sean. You're ruining the pool."

Sean laughs indignantly, because sometimes he can't believe her. "You're not even swimming."

Ellie rolls her eyes and stands up. He thinks she's going to leave but instead she jumps into the water. It doesn't make too big of a splash but Sean is automatically horrified. He jumps in after her, arms wrapping around her, ready to drag her out.

"You can't swim!" He scolds, his voice heavy with panic as she wriggles in his grasp.

"I learned." Ellie informs him, escaping as he reluctantly loosens his hold. Even in the low lights, he swears he can see the blush rises high on her cheeks.

"Stop trying to protect me, you're terrible at it."

It's a low blow, but Sean doesn't take the bait. "I know." He says quietly, treading water in front of her. His white singlet clings to his skin like a thin layer of paint and Ellie can't help but wonder how her t-shirt is holding up.

"I shouldn't have shown up at the airport." Ellie tells him, eyes trained on the wall behind Sean's head.

"Probably not."

Her stomach is churning, her mind is whirring and yet, the water is almost completely still. It's not logical that everything can fall apart but stay exactly the same.

Sean's eyes are trained on the residual mascara that has streamed down her cheeks and he knows he should say something, anything. Still, he's no good with words and never has been. He feels no surprise when it's Ellie that breaks the lingering silence.

"You don't understand. I'm not responsible for you. I can't be. I can't be responsible for anything." She takes a deep, shaking breath. "My mom, you, Bueller. It just all turns to shit."

"Bueller?" In his head, Sean can vaguely see a picture of the ferret. Their ferret.

Ellie nods, dripping tendrils falling into her face.

Sean reaches forward to brush them out of the way and Ellie jerks back. He feels a certain sting, one he knows he deserves.

"I hate myself for agreeing to this trip." She tells him, because what's left but brutal honesty? Her honesty is only partial, and she wonders if he can see what's unspoken hanging in the air. It's clear as day to her, reading _I should hate you _in alternating neon colors.

"I can imagine. I'm sorry, El." His voice is the softest she's heard it since high school. It sends currents of electricity down her spine and it takes her a second to realize that he's actually apologized to her.

"You're sorry?" She questions, her voice filled with hesitation as though she'd been given a gift and was waiting for it to be taken away.

It's Sean's turn to nod. He's waded over to the edge and is awkwardly trying to remove his shirt without letting go of the cement corner. Ellie doesn't register moving, it seems more likely she's transported to him. She pulls up the bottom of his shirt, stopping when she realizes she can't get past his arms.

"Let me help. Just trust me, for once." Sean looks skeptical but finally raises his brows. She pins him to the wall with her body, sliding the material off of him and tossing it onto the deck. It lands with a wet plopping sound and Sean is looking at her like he doesn't quite know what to do.

"Hold onto me." Ellie demands, placing his hands on her hips. She strips off her shirt leaving her bare breasted, her top meeting the same fate as Sean's. She knows he could let go, but instead she moves his hands to her waist and strips out of her shorts.

She doesn't know what she's doing, not really. Ellie has decided to let instinct take over and so far it's landed her half submerged and almost completely naked. Her hand threads through the small amount of hair he maintains and she's yet to meet his eyes.

There are facts that are indisputable and they run through her head like scrawling text.

By this time tomorrow, Sean will be with Emma. She will be back at her apartment by night fall. Ellie will be alone. The fact is that while she's playing shouldn't/couldn't there is a very strong likelihood that should have will wander into the mix. Frankly, two's company and threes a crowd.

She doesn't know which one of them is more surprised when she kisses him hard and fast, her hand cradling his jaw. Sean gasps, a response she's unfamiliar with but likes nonetheless.

Ellie realizes that while she doesn't know a lot of things, one thing is certain. The sounds that escape Sean's mouth contend for the title of prettiest things she's ever heard.

So, she takes special care to keep them coming.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Writing this chapter was like pulling teeth. I just wanted to get out of the hotel already. Anyway, all of my gratitude to TheRulerOfNothingImportant for betaing this for me. **

Sean is gone.

Ellie awakes and he's no longer next to her. Jay is talking on his phone just outside on the patio, pacing with a pained expression. She sighs and considers rolling over but her eyes take in the time.

So much for an early start.

Jay enters the room, bringing with him a rush of cold air. "Roads are clear enough." He says in lieu of a greeting. Ellie sits up in her bed, the blankets pooling around her thighs. Jay snorts and she doesn't like the sound of it one bit.

"What?" She fires, her voice raw and low.

"Really Nash, you have to ask?" He gestures to her wardrobe, to the shirt clinging to her slight frame and the boxers riding low on her thighs, the perfect mannequin for Sean's wardrobe.

"Screw you." She mutters and feebly kicks the blankets off. "You don't know anything."

"Ellie, this ends like Wasaga." He tells her and the use of her actual name is enough to get her to pay attention. "Emma wins and you get left behind. Don't get it twisted."

She halfheartedly flips him the bird, but she knows he's right.

"Doesn't mean we couldn't have a little fun." Ellie murmurs quietly though she feels sick to the very core. It wasn't the want, wanting was fine. But, deep down, didn't she hope Sean would change his mind? That for once she'd be 'good enough' for him? She felt weak and foolish, things she didn't want to experience ever again, let alone over the same guy.

"I really don't like you." She mutters just as Sean bursts in, arms full with paper bags and a tray of coffee.

"What's not to like?" Sean teases, but Ellie's not playing along.

"Everything."

"Well, I don't like your booty call waking me up at three am, but I don't run my mouth about it." Jay waves her phone from his position on the arm of the couch.

"Give me my phone!" Ellie shrieks, lunging for it. He gives in with no resistance and she scrolls through the missed calls.

"Just because it's on vibrate doesn't mean it's not loud." He reprimands and Ellie doesn't bother to look at Sean.

"He's not my booty call." Ellie defends, though her cheeks are inflamed.

"Really? Well, I for one am relieved. I'm pretty sure Blue is a color and not a dude."

Ellie was fuming, heat rising off of her skin in small clouds of smoke. "Did you talk to him?" She inquired, each word carefully enunciated.

"Yeah, after the seventh call. He said something about a Fall Out Boy- what a loser- shirt and some other shit. I stopped paying attention and I told him you were busy."

"I thought you said that shirt was from the guy painting your bedroom?" Sean questions, setting the drinks down on the empty table.

"It is. I never said... Look, I don't owe you an explanation. My sex life isn't any of your business." She types out a quick apology text to Blue. He was a couple years younger than her and they'd met when the paper ran a story on his art work. She'd interviewed him, then one thing had lead to another and they'd ended up in bed. It continued to happen every once in a while and Ellie found she felt less alone, a feeling she liked very much.

Desperate for something to do with her hands she rummages through the bags, quickly coming up with her favorite 'on the go' breakfast order. She sips her coffee carefully, eying her two temporary roommates warily.

She eats her breakfast so quickly she nearly chokes. Jay's offered to clear off the car, even though Ellie jumps at the thought of getting out of the room. She's being suffocated and she knows the only way to survive is to clear the air.

"I sleep with Blue sometimes. We use protection. Other than that, there's nothing more for you to know." She tells him, packing her stuff into the small bag she'd brought. She strips out of his boxers and steps into her jeans from the day before, keeping Sean's shirt on as her's remains too damp. Sean sighs heavily.

"It's none of my business." He intones and she finds herself just a little deflated.

"You would do the same thing in my position. Hell, you're doing it right now."

"What position would that be?" He questions, arms crossed over his broad chest. Ellie pulls on her shoes and grabs her elastic from the bedside table. "Sex for a pleasure. I know I'm not the one you want," She finishes tying her hair up. "But you needed someone and I filled that role. Blue fills that role for me. I don't feel guilty about having needs."

"I don't like that he uses you." Sean cringes as the words leave his mouth.

"Who says I'm not using him. Plus, you do the exact damn thing." Ellie rolls her eyes, applying basic makeup with a practiced eye. It's part vanity, part morning ritual, all mixed with enough consumerism to make her almost feel guilty for not bringing a razor to shave with.

Jay's standing in the common area when she's done, swearing, shivering and completely covered in snow. "Let's go already."

It feels like eons go by at the check out. They're almost late and narrowly escape a fine. Luckily it's smooth sailing when they finally get into the car. Ellie's tired and she can still smell the chlorine on her skin.

"Why don't you drive?" She asks Sean, moving into the back and lying down. Jay climbs into the passenger's seat and once again they're off to find the ever elusive Emma.


End file.
